turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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