i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
