Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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