Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
