No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
