Apparently you make a good broom.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
