Sponge bath it is.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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