im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
