don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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