i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
