i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
