You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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