My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
