I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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