Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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