The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You took a bar mat shot.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
