My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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