My nipple is on Facebook.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
