I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
