The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
