Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
