Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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