Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
