Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
