I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
