so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
