i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
