Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Girls should come with a carfax report
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
