Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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