if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
