I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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