the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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