What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize