my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
