My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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