Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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