The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
