True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
