I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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