i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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