just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
