I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
