how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
