Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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