Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
