based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
