I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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