omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize