All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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