My sheets look like a crime scene.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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