textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
