saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
