I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
