I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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