I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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