well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Houston, we have a blender
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
