Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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