I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
