Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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